被真理唤醒的心(4)

我进了北京第二外国语学院学日语。

在大学我仍是优秀生，可是半年后我再也无法忍受乖乖坐在课堂上，因为我不知道我为了什么在学习。

父亲写信来要我努力学习，为父母争光。我将信一把扔进垃圾桶。

我感到非常迷惑和抑郁：难道人生就是“拚命学习”、“名成利就”、“升官发财”、然后变成灰？为什么我拚命学习了这么多年、可心灵从未感受过真正的安宁和幸福？

我开始大规模旷课，即使学校威胁要开除我也阻挡不了我。

我从早到晚流连在书店、图书馆里看书淘书，饥渴的阅读哲学、心理学、精神分析、文学、传记、科学等方面的书籍，渴望找到人生的真谛，找到心灵的家园。

在极度的迷茫和抑郁中，我曾给我的哲学老师写过两封长信，祈求引领。我亲自将两封信交到老师手里。

可是老师没给我写一个字或说一句话，好象他从未收过我的信。

那天傍晚上完哲学课，我在学校食堂买了二两饺子，在校园里找了张隐蔽的小石凳坐下，一边麻木的把饺子一个一个往嘴里送，一边望着天空泪流满面。

（待续）

(英文对照)

I entered Beijing International Studies University to study Japanese.

I continued to be a good student at college, but half a year later I no longer could stand sitting obediently in the school room, because I didn’t know what I was studying for.

My father wrote me letters, requiring me to study hard and win honor for parents. I threw his letters in the garbage.

I felt extremely perplexed and depressed: Was life only for “study hard”, “attain wealth, fame, rank, and power”, and then “turn into ashes”? Why did my heart never taste peace or happiness while I had studied so hard for so many years?

I started cutting lots of classes; even the school’s threat of expelling me couldn’t stop me. Morning, noon and night, I read books and looked for books in bookstores and libraries, hungrily reading books on philosophy, psychology, psychiatry, literature, biography, science…yearning to find the true meaning of life, to find the home of my soul.

Amidst severe depression and puzzlement I wrote my philosophy teacher two long letters, pleading for guidance. I handed the letters to the teacher.

Yet the teacher never wrote or said a word to me, as if he had never received the letters.

At the dusk when I just finished my philosophy class, I bought some dumplings from the college canteen, took seat on a covert bench on campus, numbly put the dumplings into my mouth one by one while gazing into heaven, big drops of tears rolling down my cheeks endlessly.

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