被真理唤醒的心(6)

做导游时，我看到同事们为了个人利益勾心斗角，心里非常痛苦又不知自己该如何做。一年后，我带着疲惫的心辞职，到深圳一带的外资企业辗转打工。从荒僻郊外的日本小企业做起，历经诸多艰辛，在二十四岁时做到了一家日本著名企业的首席翻译。

我没日没夜的干，帮助那家企业在中国大陆建立了大规模的生产基地。飞机旅行、高级酒店、高级轿车、豪华宴会、达官贵人、镁光灯闪耀……这些我都体验过了。一年后我辞职时，却感觉那些曾经的辉煌好像从未发生过，我第一次真切的感受到名利富贵确如过眼烟云。

拿着在外资企业打工几年攒下的钱，我开了一家中西餐厅，因为整个社会都在讲赚钱，我想看看大笔的金钱能否给我的心灵带来安宁和幸福。

起早贪黑的苦干一段时间后，我得出了否定的答案。

父亲用很伤我心的语言嘲讽我开餐厅的举动，这最终导致我与父母彻底断绝了联络。

结束生意后，我自己掏钱进了四川一所大学跟美国老师学英语，希望学多一门语言能助我更开阔的思考。

那时，多年拚命工作和抑郁已损害了我的健康：我的眼睛经常变的模糊不清，记忆力急剧衰退，经常头痛、背痛、腰痛、颈痛、大脑一片空白，身体总感觉很疲惫……但我仍然拚命学。

那所大学的外文图书馆只有上午开放，里面的书不许外借。我请求管理员下午也允许我进去看书。管理员同意了，说她已经观察到我的勤奋。

我租住在一间破旧民房里，每天提个大录音机去课堂，坐在第一排，录下老师讲的每一句话。同学们笑我我也不在意。

苦学两年后，我成了能说两国外语的高级翻译。

但我的心灵仍然没有家，我只是变的越来越抑郁、困惑、浮躁。

二十七岁时，我的健康大崩溃，不得不求医。

我和医院、医生打交道的经历如噩梦。中国大陆的医院和医生关心钱而漠视患者。有一次，在广州一家有名的大医院，我的双眼差点被一名草率的医生开错的药毁掉。从那以后我每次去医院都心发沉、腿发抖。

尽管经历了那么多噩梦、花费了那么多金钱，我的所有病痛都没有任何好转。

用我学武术、游泳、跳舞、做健身操、大量步行……但都没。

我象一只急速沉入海底的破船，心灵与身体都已在悬崖边。

我绝望的向上苍祈求：“请救救我！！请救救我！！我不知道该怎样活下去！！我不知道为什么要活下去！！”（待续）

(英文对照)

When working as a tour guide, seeing my colleagues vying with each other for self-interest, I felt extremely painful and didn’t know how I should conduct myself amidst it. A year later, I quit the job carrying an exhausted heart and started working with foreign companies. Starting from the small Japanese factories in the tough countryside around Shenzhen, a Special Economical Zone in Guangdong Province, after undergoing many hardships, I became the chief interpreter of a well-known Japanese company when I was twenty-four.

I worked extremely hard and helped the company build up a large production base in mainland China. Travels by air, five-star hotels, expensive cars, luxurious banquets, meeting with VIPs amidst the flashing of cameras…I had experienced all this. But when I quit the job a year later, I had the feeling that all this had never ever happened; for the first time I distinctly felt that wealth and rank were indeed as transient as a fleeting cloud.

With the money earned from the foreign companies, I opened a restaurant serving Chinese and Western food. Since the entire society was talking about money, I wanted to find out whether a large sum of money could bring my heart peace and happiness.

After working extremely hard on the restaurant for a period of time, I got the negative answer.

My father mocked my opening the restaurant with very hurtful words. That led to my utterly staying out of touch with my parents thereafter.

Upon ending the business, I went to a university in Sichuan Province to learn English from American teachers, hoping that learning one more foreign language would expand my views of mind.

By the time, years of severe depression and hard work had damaged my health: My eyes often got blurry; my memory was deteriorating drastically; I constantly suffered from severe headache, backache, waistache and neckache; my brain often turned blank; my body constantly felt exhausted…Nevertheless I went on studying hard.

The Library for Foreign Literature in the university was only opened in the morning, and the books in it couldn’t be lent out. I pleaded with the librarian to allow me to go in and read in the afternoon too. She consented, saying that she had noticed my diligence.

I stayed in a rental shabby flat, carried a big tape-recorder to the school room every day, sat in the first row, and recorded every word the American teachers said. Some of my classmates mocked me, but I didn’t care.

After two years of hard work, I became an interpreter speaking two foreign languages.

Yet my heart remained homeless; I was just getting more and more depressed, perplexed, and restless.

When I reached twenty-seven, my health broke down. I had to seek medical treatment.

My time at the hospitals and with the doctors was like a nightmare, as the hospitals and doctors in mainland China cared about money but treated patients with indifference. On one occasion, my eyes were nearly destroyed by a careless doctor’s wrong prescription. It finally came to the point where whenever I had to see a doctor, my heart tightened and my legs trembled.

Despite the nightmares I had been through and the big money spent, none of my illnesses got better one bit.

I learned Chinese martial arts, swam, danced, walked a lot, did aerobics… yet they didn’t help.

I was like a wrecked boat sinking swiftly to the bottom of an ocean.

I was already standing on the brink of the precipice, body and soul.

I invoked Heaven in despair, “Please save me!! Please save me!! I don’t know how to keep living!! I don’t know what I keep living for!!”

(http://www.dajiyuan.com)