被真理喚醒的心(6)

做導遊時，我看到同事們為了個人利益勾心鬥角，心裡非常痛苦又不知自己該如何做。一年後，我帶著疲憊的心辭職，到深圳一帶的外資企業輾轉打工。從荒僻郊外的日本小企業做起，歷經諸多艱辛，在二十四歲時做到了一家日本著名企業的首席翻譯。

我沒日沒夜的幹，幫助那家企業在中國大陸建立了大規模的生產基地。飛機旅行、高級酒店、高級轎車、豪華宴會、達官貴人、鎂光燈閃耀……這些我都體驗過了。一年後我辭職時，卻感覺那些曾經的輝煌好像從未發生過，我第一次真切的感受到名利富貴確如過眼煙雲。

拿著在外資企業打工幾年攢下的錢，我開了一家中西餐廳，因為整個社會都在講賺錢，我想看看大筆的金錢能否給我的心靈帶來安寧和幸福。

起早貪黑的苦幹一段時間後，我得出了否定的答案。

父親用很傷我心的語言嘲諷我開餐廳的舉動，這最終導致我與父母徹底斷絕了聯絡。

結束生意後，我自己掏錢進了四川一所大學跟美國老師學英語，希望學多一門語言能助我更開闊的思考。

那時，多年拚命工作和抑鬱已損害了我的健康：我的眼睛經常變的模糊不清，記憶力急劇衰退，經常頭痛、背痛、腰痛、頸痛、大腦一片空白，身體總感覺很疲憊……但我仍然拚命學。

那所大學的外文圖書館只有上午開放，裏面的書不許外借。我請求管理員下午也允許我進去看書。管理員同意了，說她已經觀察到我的勤奮。

我租住在一間破舊民房裡，每天提個大錄音機去課堂，坐在第一排，錄下老師講的每一句話。同學們笑我我也不在意。

苦學兩年後，我成了能說兩國外語的高級翻譯。

但我的心靈仍然沒有家，我只是變的越來越抑鬱、困惑、浮躁。

二十七歲時，我的健康大崩潰，不得不求醫。

我和醫院、醫生打交道的經歷如噩夢。中國大陸的醫院和醫生關心錢而漠視患者。有一次，在廣州一家有名的大醫院，我的雙眼差點被一名草率的醫生開錯的藥毀掉。從那以後我每次去醫院都心發沉、腿發抖。

盡管經歷了那麼多噩夢、花費了那麼多金錢，我的所有病痛都沒有任何好轉。

用我學武術、游泳、跳舞、做健身操、大量步行……但都沒。

我象一隻急速沉入海底的破船，心靈與身體都已在懸崖邊。

我絕望的向上蒼祈求：「請救救我！！請救救我！！我不知道該怎樣活下去！！我不知道為什麼要活下去！！」（待續）

(英文對照)

When working as a tour guide, seeing my colleagues vying with each other for self-interest, I felt extremely painful and didn’t know how I should conduct myself amidst it. A year later, I quit the job carrying an exhausted heart and started working with foreign companies. Starting from the small Japanese factories in the tough countryside around Shenzhen, a Special Economical Zone in Guangdong Province, after undergoing many hardships, I became the chief interpreter of a well-known Japanese company when I was twenty-four.

I worked extremely hard and helped the company build up a large production base in mainland China. Travels by air, five-star hotels, expensive cars, luxurious banquets, meeting with VIPs amidst the flashing of cameras…I had experienced all this. But when I quit the job a year later, I had the feeling that all this had never ever happened; for the first time I distinctly felt that wealth and rank were indeed as transient as a fleeting cloud.

With the money earned from the foreign companies, I opened a restaurant serving Chinese and Western food. Since the entire society was talking about money, I wanted to find out whether a large sum of money could bring my heart peace and happiness.

After working extremely hard on the restaurant for a period of time, I got the negative answer.

My father mocked my opening the restaurant with very hurtful words. That led to my utterly staying out of touch with my parents thereafter.

Upon ending the business, I went to a university in Sichuan Province to learn English from American teachers, hoping that learning one more foreign language would expand my views of mind.

By the time, years of severe depression and hard work had damaged my health: My eyes often got blurry; my memory was deteriorating drastically; I constantly suffered from severe headache, backache, waistache and neckache; my brain often turned blank; my body constantly felt exhausted…Nevertheless I went on studying hard.

The Library for Foreign Literature in the university was only opened in the morning, and the books in it couldn’t be lent out. I pleaded with the librarian to allow me to go in and read in the afternoon too. She consented, saying that she had noticed my diligence.

I stayed in a rental shabby flat, carried a big tape-recorder to the school room every day, sat in the first row, and recorded every word the American teachers said. Some of my classmates mocked me, but I didn’t care.

After two years of hard work, I became an interpreter speaking two foreign languages.

Yet my heart remained homeless; I was just getting more and more depressed, perplexed, and restless.

When I reached twenty-seven, my health broke down. I had to seek medical treatment.

My time at the hospitals and with the doctors was like a nightmare, as the hospitals and doctors in mainland China cared about money but treated patients with indifference. On one occasion, my eyes were nearly destroyed by a careless doctor’s wrong prescription. It finally came to the point where whenever I had to see a doctor, my heart tightened and my legs trembled.

Despite the nightmares I had been through and the big money spent, none of my illnesses got better one bit.

I learned Chinese martial arts, swam, danced, walked a lot, did aerobics… yet they didn’t help.

I was like a wrecked boat sinking swiftly to the bottom of an ocean.

I was already standing on the brink of the precipice, body and soul.

I invoked Heaven in despair, “Please save me!! Please save me!! I don’t know how to keep living!! I don’t know what I keep living for!!”

(http://www.dajiyuan.com)